Mommy Wars: The Great Depression

It's not the first time I've seen a reference to how Stay-at-home moms are more liable to be depressed than working moms. Today a news story was making the rounds about a new study on the subject confirming what we already know.

Yes, being a SAHM can be isolating. That's no big secret. Isolation equals loneliness. Loneliness equals depression. But not for everyone! For one thing, most "stay-at-home moms" don't stay at home very often.And many of us jump at the chance to socialize. We meet each other at the playground. We join playgroups. We participate in mommy-and-me music classes. And when our children get older, we of us volunteer our "free time" to worthy causes.

Opting out of the workforce can be difficult. I've had some tough days at home with my son. I went through a couple of tough years with my daughter, from the ages of two through four (until she gained the ability to reason). But through all of it I've felt so lucky to be with my children and to be such a constant influence in their daily lives.

Here's the part I don't get: Why is this issue so important that it warrants study? To me, the research is divisive. It comes across as just another piece of ammunition in the Mommy Wars. And while it's hard not to notice the differences between the two opposing groups, there are similarities that are not to be missed. (I've outlined the basics of the study below.)

About half of ALL mothers suffer from "stress." It was a pretty close call on the "anger" front as well. And the outcome wasn't that different in the "worry" category, although I'm still a little confused about exactly what the word "worry" refers to. I mean, don't we all have worries? And for those who denied worrying in the study, I want to know what they're smokin' cuz I need a vacation.

	SAHMs	Working Moms
worry	41%	34%
sadness	26%	16%
stress	50%	48%
anger	19%	14%
depression	28%	17%

At any rate, this mommy is anything but depressed. A little tired, maybe. But I'm fairly certain that that's one thing we moms all have in common.

Sometimes Laissez Faire Fares Best

Parenthood has made me look at myself in a new light. I guess it's largely due to my fear of screwing up my children. Like the obsessive I am, I find myself examining my habits, my point of view, my gut to ensure they're all driving me to send the right message.

I struggle with my action-oriented tendencies. See, I'm a doer. I'm utterly organized. I can see the most efficient path to the finish line almost instantaneously when presented with most any issue. So naturally, when it comes to parenting, my instinct is to attack any challenge with action. But I'm slowly learning that action is not always the best policy. Many problems solve themselves without any intervention at all.

Take the latest big event in our household: My 3-year-old has graduated to his "Big Boy Bed." Before it happened, I wasn't terribly concerned with this transition. In fact, it wasn't even on my radar. But I was certain, in the back of my mind, that the day would come when I'd have to force the issue and somehow extract my unwilling son from his crib. However, in my rare moment of procrastination, the universe would choose to enlighten me. One evening, just before bedtime, my little boy announced that he wanted to sleep in his "Big Boy Bed." I had my doubts - surely this was nothing more than a cavalier declaration. He didn't really understand what he was asking. Still, I said "yes" to his request and prepared myself for a very long night. But miracle of miracles, he slept peacefully all night long! And here we are, a two weeks later, still going strong. That kid loves his "Big Boy Bed."

Note to self: Procrastination sometimes has its merits.

This lesson goes against my every instinct. But I'm not going to ignore it. In fact, I'm doing my best to embrace it. Que sera, sera....

Why Schools Are Broken

I've ranted before about mainstream schools. But this time I'm thinking about the reasons why they're dysfunctional to me. And I've come to the conclusion that they only educate part of a child.

They're so bogged down in the academics, with homework and testing and assessing, that they totally ignore the social and emotional components of a person. Unfortunately, in today's world, the art of parenting has been lost in many homes. Many parents often either aren't given the tools to address the social / emotional or they don't realize the importance of it. So between schools denying the responsibility and parents shirking their duty, we're producing generations of half-developed people. That translates to a population with little compassion and a puny social conscience. And in the case of New Orleans, it renders a city bogged down in crime and poverty and an inability to embrace progress.

Until parents demand and schools acknowledge that the "Whole Child" be educated, schools will keep failing. The education they offer will remain incomplete. And our future is a broken record of mistakes.

Top 2 Reasons Reward Charts Aren't Rewarding

Am I the only one who hates reward charts? They drive me crazy! Here's my problem with those wretched parent traps:

1. They don't teach a child to be self-motivated. Whatever behavior you're trying to instill is overshadowed by the child's desire to earn stickers and ultimately the big payoff at the end of the week (i.e., the trip to the zoo or staying up 30 minutes later Saturday night or whatever).

2. They're another job for me! Like I don't already have enough to keep up with between lunches and laundry and baths and, well, everything else. Now I have to make time to march over to that blasted chart every time my child actually accomplishes the desired behavior.

So it's official: I am anti-reward chart. I don't see that changing anytime soon. I guess my children will just have to learn how to do all those tedious things without a tangible reward. But hopefully they'll enjoy a feeling of pride when they master those new things. And maybe I'll throw in a kiss or two and a few words of praise while I'm at it.

The Two Biggest Lessons of Parenthood

Parenthood changes a person. The focus shifts away from you in the blink of an eye. Your priorities change.... Big. Time. Your fancy salon visits suddenly take a back seat to gymnastics classes and field trips. These changes are a natural part of the process. But some lessons take more time to digest. During my tenure as a mother, I've learned many things, but two things stand out as most useful:

1. If you can't find an answer, it's because there isn't one. From teaching a baby to learn to sleep well to expanding a child's palette to potty training, the best thing you can do is embrace the lack of control. Throw your hands up and envision your child at age 18. You'll feel refreshed and rejuvenated by what your imagination reveals. No more slogging around, coffee cup permanently affixed to your hand in a lame attempt to shake off the ever-present exhaustion thanks to the last six moths of all-night baby juggling. No more begging and pleading to "just try a bite of salmon." No more diaper changes! While you're waiting for your hypothetical grown child to step forth from the shadows, try to mediate regularly on the thought of that self-sufficient future child. And know that, though no solution is evident at present, it's will be ok. Someday.

2. If the thought stresses you out, it's because your child isn't ready. Since becoming a mother, whenever I feel stressed out about a big change in my life - without fail! - it's because my children aren't there yet. The more I let my children take the lead and show me that they're ready, the easier any transition becomes. Starting school. Sleepovers. Potty training. (There it is again!) When it comes to big milestones, let them run the show. Everyone will be a lot happier for it.

The thing about parenthood is that you never stop learning or evolving. As my children get older, I'm sure I'll gain insight and experience into how to handle their more mature stages and issues. But I know I'll always look to these two tenets to help guide my parenting style.

Why I Deserve an 'F' in Homework

Parents who do their kids' homework are the lowest form of parent, right? Well, call me a bottom feeder because I just failed my first big test in Homework 101.

As my daughter tackled her first big school project over Spring Break, I struggled with the age-old parenthood dilemma: To Help Or Not To Help, That Is The Question. The assignment in question was to build a model of a building of her choice from around the world. She chose a Pagoda. And, truth be told, I had a hard time keeping my hands off it.

Did she build it herself? Sure. But figuring out the best way to go about it was a different story. We discussed her options, and rather than me allowing her to figure out why any given option was viable or not, I found myself giving her the answers. Me! A mom who usually has such good instincts! And the worst part was, I knew I was doing it, and still I couldn't stop myself. I just wanted her to have an engaging experience with this milestone. I wanted the process to be fun for her, not frustrating, the end result be something she was unquestionably proud of.

So I'm one of those parents. The ones who do their child's homework for them. In the end I undoubtedly robbed her of some aspect of the learning process. So, I am making a mid-year's resolution: Next time, even if I have to gag and bind myself, I will keep my thoughts to myself and let her find her own way.

The SAHM Label

I just read an article about Ann Romney that talked about her being attacked for being a SAHM. Some Democratic pundit on a talking heads cable show declared that she “never worked a day in her life.” As a fellow SAHM, I can attest to the diligence and fortitude it takes to be good at this job. I've never worked harder in my life!

Why does society hate Stay-at-Home Moms? There's an air of disdain whenever someone talks about the label, an assumption that anyone who chooses this path is inherently lazy and entitled. Or at best there's some patronizing comment issued about what a tough job it is.

I spend my days completing mundane tasks so that my family has what they need to have a successful day. Lunches. Laundry. Homework. But I also work hard at giving them the tools they need to evolve into good people. Kisses. Words of advice. Words of praise. Being a SAHM is about more than doing the dishes. It's about constructing a world that allows your children to grow up happy and secure and strong.

I don't know Ann Romney, but I do know what it's like to be a SAHM. And I know that if society gave this job its due, more people might choose this path.

Football Follies

The Saints Scandal is all over the news down here. Most people are vehemently defending their beloved Saints. I have to say: I don't get it.

The Saints organization is accused of employing an incentive program designed to motivate players to injure other players on opposing teams. When this came out, the first thing I thought was, "I'm sure they're not the only team that does this." And sure enough it quickly came out that they weren't. Still, they're bearing the shame because they were the first team that got busted.

Before I go on, you should know that I generally don't watch football. But, of course, that doesn't stop me from having an opinion about the situation. Here it is in all its glory...

Some people claim it's no big deal on two counts: 1. Everyone else is doing it. 2. The team never ended up putting out much money for this program anyway. I say that's beside the point!!! It's clearly a moral issue - kinda like when they fixed the World Series. If professional football players can't be counted on to play a fair game, then why the heck are we watching in the first place?

Why Do Parent Settle?

I hear parents complain about their children's schools. Too much testing. Too much homework. Not enough recess. But they just keep sending them day after day!

It's common knowledge that parents (at least most of us) want to provide our children "the best." I can't figure out why so many of us settle for schools that don't provide what our children need at the most basic levels. I guess if your only goal is to make sure your kid knows how to read and write and digest all that other stuff they teach in school, then any ole school will do. But to me, school is so much more than that. It's where children spend most of their waking hours each week. So shouldn't it be a place where they get to work and play?

Everything I read about education today speaks to the lack of play that takes place in the classroom. From the very youngest ages, children are expected to buckle down and learn. (They teach reading at age 4 now!) And recess is considered expendable. Are none of the administrators or teachers reading the studies that say play is critical to healthy childhood development??? Play is how children learn! If I know that, then it can't be a secret. If I know it, then other parents must know it, too. So I ask again: Why do they settle?

When it comes to something as important and time consuming as school, we should demand what our children need. That's what led me to Waldorf Education. It's not perfect, but it addresses many of the things that are lacking in traditional schooling. What's so appealing about it to me is that it educates the whole child, academically, spiritually, and socially. Waldorf does what we try so diligently to do as parents: it molds and shapes the whole person instead of focusing merely on reading, writing and arithmetic. In a Waldorf school, students learn what they need to know academically, and in the process, they also enjoy recess and art and each other.

Confessions of a SAHM

I was raised to become a high-powered whatever, always striving and racing to reach the highest heights, struggling valiantly to balance work, family, and home. Today I revel in the singlemindedness of Stay-at-Home Momdom.

I love my job! But I’m also slightly ashamed of it.

You see, I love being at home with my children. They give me an unprecedented and previously unimaginable sense of joy and wonder. And I feel a great sense of pride in watching them become bright, clever, happy people. I look at them in all their awesomeness and think, "I did that."

I also derive a sense of great accomplishment from cooking a well-balanced, delicious meal for my family. There, I said it. It's totally true, and I need to learn to own it. And, yes, you read right. I used the word "accomplishment." That's in part because I come from a long line of... what's the word that's the opposite of chef? Well, whatever that is, that's what my lineage is. My grandmother never lifted a finger in the kitchen (beyond cinnamon toast and the occasional batch of vegetable soup.) And while my mother certainly managed to get dinner on the table every night, her "recipes" were hit or miss (mostly because she never followed one). Most nights I somehow figure out how to read the recipe, do what it says, and render a pretty tasty result! And on nights when I improvise and make up my own concoctions (which isn't often - see previous sentences re: my mom), they usually turn out pretty good. Occasionally they're very good. And that's when I really feel proud. Because I did it (as my toddler would say) "All By Myself!"

I spend my days changing diapers, singing "Wheels on the Bus," chauffeuring my school-aged daughter around town, and I eat it up! My mother marvels at my infinite patience with the tediousness of my existence. But my secret is simple: I love what I do.

I finally understand what people mean when they talk about finding their passion. That's exactly what motherhood is to me.

But all the while I feel like the rest of the world is giving me a sideways glance filled with mild disappointment. I'm certain that many of my peers think my college education was a waste of time. I can only imagine that they must think that talking to me is unbearably boring because my world consists of playdough and playgrounds.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not so self-centered that I think people spend their free time thinking about what I do with my days. I'm a firm believer in that saying, "You'd stop worrying about what everyone thinks of you if you knew how seldom they did." But deep down I know this life that I have is not at all that I was groomed for. Still, I love it. I wouldn't have it any other way.